We are constantly giving out signals that other
people can pick up. Your family can usually tell when you are stressed
out, relaxed, happy, or sad. You may not have to say a word to convey a
message accurately. Take a look at the following example to understand
this better.
You suddenly don't feel well in the middle of
the afternoon. You notice you have a runny nose and you feel really
tired. You lay down on the couch, thinking you might just need a quick
nap to help you feel better. Your spouse is initially upset to find the
house messy when they come home from work. But once they see you lying
on the couch asleep with a box of tissues next to you, their entire
demeanor instantly changes.
You had been giving out the same "I'm sick"
messages all afternoon while no one else was home. Once your spouse came
in the door, they were able to pick up your messages and process them.
He or she was forming a long list of complaints as they walked in the
door, but when they saw you on the couch they tossed those aside.
Let's see what happens when the situation
becomes more complex. What if the you and your spouse were selling your
house and you were expecting visitors shortly after your spouse got home
from work? Would leaving you to sleep really be the best decision? The
bigger context of the situation would probably cause your spouse to go
against their initial feelings of compassion and wake you up anyway.
Without waking you up, they may not know how
sick you really are. You'd have to give them more verbal information to
clarify your situation. If it seemed you were too sick to clean up in
time, you and your spouse might decide to postpone the house-showing
appointment. If you felt a lot better and you worked together quickly,
the appointment might be saved. In this case, waking you would be the
most compassionate because something bigger would be at stake.
Different Types Of Communication Happening All At Once
So what kinds of communication happened in the
above situation? The first messages your spouse would have received were
the non-verbal. Your normal behavior would be to have a clean house,
and since this didn't happen your spouse could conclude something was
wrong. Instead of being awake like they would expect, you were asleep.
You also had a box of tissues nearby. These are signals that told your
spouse a lot before you were even conscious.
Once your spouse woke you, they would have seen
a tired miserable expression on your face. Don't underestimate the
power of facial expressions. Many people don't realize how much
information gets shared in this way alone. And finally, you would have
provided detailed verbal information about how you felt. Your
description would have told how things went downhill during the
afternoon, leading you to take an unexpectedly long nap on the couch.
Your emotional message would also come through at this time.
Your spouse can come to their own conclusions
by using all of these clues together. If your spouse trusts how your
words and behaviors match, they can move forward with you. Your spouse
may have some frustration about changing the appointment, but they will
also have a clear sense of empathy for your sudden illness.
How Poor Marriage Communication Changes The Whole Picture
If you and your spouse had poor communication,
this situation might have a very different outcome. Frustration,
mistrust, tension, and defensiveness can intensify your conflict. Your
spouse might be very upset that you didn't call, or might think you
could be faking or exaggerating your illness.
You might believe your spouse is just looking
for ways to put you down, even when you clearly don't feel well and
didn't expect to sleep so long. Poor communication skills can perpetuate
destructive patterns. You'll find it difficult to work through emotions
and solve problems.
Remember how many trouble couples say they
aren't communicating? It's easy to see how this just isn't true. You and
your spouse are communicating all the time, even when things aren't
going well. The problem lies with the way people pick up on messages and
respond to them. Each spouse has the responsibility to be as accurate
as possible when communicating.
Marriage Communication Is Complex - Learn More
Communication is a lot more complex than most
people believe. It's about so much more than the words people say. In
fact, verbal communication is actually a rather small part of an
exchange. Just changing your words may not be enough to help your
relationship.
Marriage Help: How To Prevent A Marriage Crisis
During a marriage crisis, life gets turned
upside down and pulled apart, often in frightening and distressing ways.
Like a volcanic eruption, tensions and pressures have accumulated that
can no longer be contained by feelings of love or the motivation to
"stick it out." The crisis often peaks when one spouse/partner decides
the emotional pain is too great and seriously questions whether or not
to stay in the marriage.
Unfortunately, many couples seek marriage or
relationship help only after their relationship is in a full-blown
crisis-sadly, some of these marriages won't survive. It's important to
remember that a marriage crisis doesn't typically arise out of thin air.
Couples who end up in crisis too often ignore or minimize the warning
signs that a marriage crisis was in the making.
Understanding the warning signs can help you derail a potential marriage crisis.
Relationship Help: Heading Off a Marriage/Relationship Crisis
There are two basic ways a marital crisis emerges:
1. The distressed or dissatisfied spouse
remains silent (for whatever reason) about his/her concerns and ends up
acting out his/her dissatisfaction in subtle ways (for example, throwing
him/herself into projects to keep busy) or dramatic ways (having an
affair; deciding to end the relationship).
Or
2. The unhappy spouse does communicate his/her
dissatisfaction, but this information is ignored or minimized by the
other person. In my marriage/couples counseling practice, I see this
dynamic play out as follows:
A wife has been telling her husband that she
feels ignored and lonely, and the husband initially addresses his wife's
concerns in a focused way. After some time passes, however, the husband
starts to act as if everything is fine (even though his wife is not
behaving that way), and he puts little effort into addressing the
issue-in this scenario the husband remains oblivious (or unmoved) by his
wife's continued communications and cues of dissatisfaction. It is only
after he receives the message that the marriage is in serious jeopardy
(crisis) that he finally understands how real the problem is and then
tries to mobilize himself to meet his wife's needs.
So what steers a once healthy marriage into the abyss of a crisis?
Prior to the marriage crisis, the status quo of
the relationship stops working for one or maybe even both parties-in
other words, someone's needs are no longer being met in the
relationship. When a marriage stops meeting your needs, it's essential
that these issues do not go underground.
Relationship truism: Marriage problems that are
not openly addressed germinate and breed in the unspoken-soil of a
relationship. The ignorance-is-bliss approach to fixing a marriage is
like ignoring the steam billowing from the hood of an overheating
car-pretending it doesn't exist may give you temporary comfort, but this
approach will only make things worse in the long-run.
A message to the spouse who is unhappy with the status quo of the marriage:
Prior to the full-blown crisis, you may feel
that some kind of change is needed, while your spouse might feel content
to leave life exactly as it is. When this is the case, it is up to you
(the distressed/unhappy spouse) to communicate your dissatisfaction
directly, respectfully and clearly (please do not assume your spouse
will grasp the gravity of your concerns because you give off subtle cues
or quiet rumblings that something isn't working for you).
The responsibility for communicating what you need lies on your shoulders-even if this may be upsetting to your spouse.
A message to the spouse who is happy with the status quo of the marriage:
I've seen this very preventable pattern too
many times: The spouse who feels everything is fine minimizes or ignores
messages of discontent from his/her spouse. As one wife shared, "I told
him over and over again that I'm lonely and want to spend more intimate
time together. He never tried, and we just grew apart. And now that I'm
ready to end the marriage, he's acting like this is the first time he's
hearing me say I'm unhappy..."
How did her husband respond to this information? "Hey, she stopped complaining, so I figured we were good..."
The responsibility for really listening to and
hearing why your spouse is unhappy in the marriage lies on your
shoulders. It's dangerous (and selfish) to assume your spouse is "crying
wolf" and will be fine without your help.
The apparent calm after the crisis
There are two reasons an unhappy spouse stops
talking (or complaining) about her/his unhappiness: a) It feels like
his/her complaints are being taken seriously and addressed (the issues
are being resolved); or, b) It feels like his/her complaints are being
ignored and a sense of hopelessness is setting in (the spouse is giving
up all hope that positive change is possible).
If a marital crisis goes unresolved, the
chances of someone giving up on the marriage increases dramatically.
Quietness (or apparent calm) in this case isn't a good sign. The quiet
and apparent calm after a period of unresolved turbulence may be an
indication that your spouse has disengaged from the relationship-a
disengaged spouse may see no good options except to leave the marriage.
Remember that it is much better to prevent a
crisis than try to wrestle with a crisis that has already insinuated
itself into your relationship. By being clear with your partner about
your own needs, and by remaining open, attentive, non-judgmental, and
actively invested in your partner's needs, you'll be setting your
marriage on a preventative, healthy track where minor problems can be
addressed before they morph into unmanageable crises.
Marriage Communication - Three Common Mistakes And How To Fix Them
Marriage communication -- what does it say
about your relationship? Is it strong and stable, or could you be headed
to divorce court soon? So many marriages can be saved with improved
communication. It's often the simplest and most common bad habits that
get couples into trouble. Take a look at three mistakes many troubled
marriages share.
1- Yelling At Your Spouse
When you feel angry, you probably start raising
your voice. Anger creates tension inside a your mind and body over
time. As it builds up, you look for a way to release or express it.
Yelling at your spouse becomes a quick and easy option, although it
often causes more trouble than relief. It may feel good to unleash your
tension on your spouse when they upset you, but the sense of
satisfaction is often short-lived. Whatever you said (yelled) in your
angry state is likely to add fuel to the fire.
Yelling at your spouse spews lots of strong
negative emotion out into the open. No matter what you are trying to
communicate at that point, the emotion is going to take center stage.
That's what will capture your spouse's attention most. Unfortunately,
your spoken message will be diminished or even misunderstood. You set up
your partner to be defensive and frustrated rather than responsive and
understanding.
It's not that you can't express some strong
emotion when you speak -- c'mon, you're not a robot! But yelling goes
way past the line, and sets the stage for an exchange of heated emotions
rather than clearly communicated words. Even if your emotion is really
the message you need to share, a pure emotional exchange can easily
transform into an exhausting destructive habit. At some point, emotions
need to be communicated in a way that allows you to move past them, not
fuel them.
Let Your Words Speak Volumes To Your Spouse
When you can keep your emotion in check, your
message can really shine through. This doesn't mean you should try to
shove your emotions out of the way. They may be a very important part of
your situation. But remember -- the whole point of communicating is to
be clearly understood. To do that, your channel of communication must go
two ways. Excessive emotion interferes with that.
Take a little time alone to help you ride the
wave of feelings and let them settle on their own. Another option is to
take a quick exercise break before you continue the conversation.
Exercise is a terrific stress reducer and it can easily distract you
from your intense feelings. It's pretty tough to focus on your troubles
when you are nearly out of breath! You may also find it helpful to write
out the things you want to say so you take care to deliver your message
more clearly.
It's OK to take your time talking about
something that makes you really emotional. You'll probably get through
the problem more easily if you can keep your spouse on your side instead
of pushing them away.
2- Having A Competitive Attitude
Competition is everywhere around us. Football
games on TV, soccer games at the high school, getting ahead at work,
Christmas displays in the neighborhood -- you name it and someone will
try to win it. You may have to stay ahead of the game in some areas of
your life, but your marriage is not one of them. When one person is
always the winner, both spouses lose.
OK, so maybe a little competition between
spouses at the racquetball court is OK, and perhaps you enjoy ribbing
your spouse when your March Madness bracket wins one year. But that's
about it. Anything that isn't mutual and playful could build a wall
between you.
If you find yourself building a "case" in the
back of your mind with supporting bullet points for every disagreement,
you may very well win the argument nearly every time. However, you may
do more to exhaust and demoralize your spouse than anything else.
Think About Why You Need To Win
Some people bring competition into their
marriage because they feel insecure. A person with emotional
insecurities may overcompensate by trying to look superior or impress
their spouse. When they can prevail, they feel stronger and more
confident. They may have trouble being vulnerable, even with their
spouse. To do so would expose their insecurities and clash with their
self image as being a success.
Does this sound like you? Does your spouse tire
of your victory dance and your need to always have the upper hand?
Maybe they just want you to come back to earth a little. They are
probably far happier in your presence when you show your imperfections
and look human. You may not be used to it, but you will likely be more
satisfied when your spouse shows tenderness toward you rather than
looking defeated.
3- Making Marriage About Me Instead Of We
Have you ever stopped to sit and listen to the
chatter going on in your mind? Most likely, it's focused on you -- what
you look like, how you just messed something up, what you have on your
schedule later, what you are looking forward to, what you want to eat
for supper, etc.
Naturally, this chatter is somewhat biased
because it's from your perspective. But how about the chatter that
relates to your spouse? Is it all about what how much fun you will have
later, what you expect from your husband or wife, and what kind of mood
you are in?
Take Your Spouse's Viewpoint And Make Their Day Better
Generosity and considerate behaviors can go a
long way towards nurturing a great marriage. Instead of wondering if
they'll ever load the dishwasher right, do something you know they'll
appreciate or notice. Be forewarned -- they may or may not throw you a
ticker-tape parade because you did it. Don't get caught up in the
"what's in it for me" trap again.
If you continue a pattern of being more
generous and thoughtful towards your spouse, they'll eventually say or
do something as a response. They might hold their comments back at first
because they don't know if this trend will stick. They may be waiting
to see if this generosity is a gimmick or a set of new positive habits.
When they see that you are genuine and consistent with your efforts over
time, your message will be clear. Let those selfish thoughts pass by
and keep doing loving things for your spouse.
Here's another secret about making an effort
like this. Feelings follow actions. In other words, you may not feeling
loving at first when you do these generous acts. If they don't say
anything at first, you may really wonder why you are bothering at all.
Keep going anyway -- the more you act with generosity, the more you'll
naturally feel generous and loving toward your spouse.
Change Marriage Communication Mistakes By Changing Habits
It takes some practice to change old marriage
communication mistakes. But when you do, a marriage in crisis can really
turn around. It's amazing how the energy between spouses can change so
much with just a few changes. However, you've only read about a few of
the problems a marriage can face.
